Ask Sugar Mama
What possesses people to use their vehicle as a personal billboard? I was driving down the street and came across a car that had almost every imaginable demographo-socio-politico-spiritual bumper sticker possible! Although I agreed with the sentiment of most of those stickers, I feel I would rather sit and have a nice conversation with this person to get to know him rather than watch the vomit on his car as it drives by! Isn’t anything left to the imagination anymore?
Well, here lies our first fight, Bill. Because to me, bumper stickers and personalized license plates are God’s gift to help us weed out the losers. I mean, let’s face it—high school and its graffiti’d glory is over. Gone are the days of Wham! stickers inside some other people’s lockers. Empty are those bandwagons pulled by Glee Club and their ‘legalize pot’ patches. So, how, pray tell, are we supposed to know who to hang/sleep with as adults if we don’t know what anyone stands for? I mean, I need to know – did you really get your oil changed at Jiffy Lube, or are you just messing with me? Is your kid an honor student because he’s smart, or because you’re pushing him too hard? I don’t see any soccer paraphernalia on your trunk…do you even let him out to play? And one more thing, Slave Driver - if your other car really was a Mercedes, you’d be driving it.
... Whether you voted for Obama or not.
So in the time it took me to tail this guy to a red light and decipher the meaning of ‘IBRK4HM’ on his license plate (‘I eat homeless for breakfast’) I was able to assess our potential chemistry (nil) and save us both a whole bunch of time.
I understand that you may not be a religious person, Bill-bored, and have yet to feel the light of His presence. But the next time you’re parked next to yellow Yugo with a ‘HONK IF YOU LOVE HANSON!’ emblazoned on its bumper, that, my friend, is God smiling down on you.
Cynthia “Sugar Mama” Jenkins is a nationally award-winning parenting columnist and celebrity writer who enjoys telling people what to do—a service she now offers free of charge in an effort to give back to the community. Have a question for Sugar? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Can’t get enough of Cynthia? Get short, timely messages from her when you follow her on Twitter.